terrified of xmas

sometimes I visit jim's head to see life through his eyes, often
bloodshot and swollen.  jim hates his alcoholic eyes.  he used to
wear stupid round glasses to cover the dark circles but then he
felt more anxious over the glasses and bought more contemporary
glasses then he felt anxious about people noticing his eyes.  he is
sick.  xmas eve with wife, son, daughter, daughter-in-law, and grand
daughter.  strange the way jim sees the world.  most people see
themselves as part of the world especially with family at xmas.  not
jim... while pretending to be normal in his mind he is standing back
terrified.  totally alienated, separated, alone, excluded, judged, guilty,
exposed, that is, fucking terrified.  like a fish in a bowl hoping he can
hide but there are to many eyes, to many angles for people to see.
inside he is screaming "make this go away," while smiling on the
outside.  much of his exhaustion is from the extreme effort it
takes to put up this fake existence and plan to not be exposed.  i would
like to show him how normal people see and enjoy the world.  one day
maybe.

what does a shrink know?

jim not doing well. has increased drinking to a dangerous level. i sat in on his last visit with his shrink. i think she is getting somewhere with jim. she senses the jim can only give and for him to take brings on guilt and worry based on shame and lack of self worth. he said in the session today, "i can be selfish." she ask jim to describe times he is selfish. im said, "when i buy things for himself and when i works out at the gym." i think jim agreed but in his head he was bothered that if she was right he would have to start asking for more and taking care of himself and that is terrifying to jim.

when a man sees no hope is there any? you would think that some hope is always present though for a man to see it what must happen? f0r jim, hope dances in and out of his life. there are days when his sense of clarity about the future gives him hope and then there are days when hope is the root word of hopeless and hopelessness reins.

alone

with jim. wife just left for her job in a town 3 hours away. this is the practice each week. she will return on thursday. if was a bad weekend. she babysat the grandchild. jim loves his grandchild way more than himself. i have heard you cannot love anyone more than you love yourself, like a love "bottleneck." in fact i heard it from jim. i have sat in jim's office many times when he told people just that. He would say, "you can't love anyone unless you love yourself, you can't take of someone more than you take care of yourself, and you can't honor anyone more than you honor yourself. but with jim these absolutes are not true. he went to his shrink on saturday at 11am. it was his first time with this person. he gets a shrink, starts to feel good, and then quits sharing his story. things plateau and he moves on to another one. this time may not be different but he shared this problem and she attempted to strategically have a plan to head this off. we'll see. oh, yea this weekend. he got drunk, stopped at a trailhead and when he got back to the car the battery was dead. he called his wife and she could not leave her babysitting responsiibility and jim walked 4 miles in 40 degree weater (t-shirt and flip flops) to get home . he was pissed and said hurtful things to his wife. blah, blah, blah. sameole sameole. what an idiot.

a day with jim

i spent the day with jim. its funny you think you know what you're doing when you wake up and by the end of the day everything is crazy. i see why he has no friends. up at 5 and to the gym. at work by 7:30. reduces the suffering of everyone he meets until 4. Goes to the liquor store and forgets he is a person worth saving. not a cent of effort spent on reducing his suffering. what would make someone think that way? I honestly do not know what to do next. Sometimes he listens to me and for a short while things are better but more often he blindly goes into self-destruction mode at 4 pm. not sure what to tell him. i want to tell him you can help yourself like you help others but i don't know how to get him to listen. you would think the consequences of his actions would get his attention but it is not the case. i want to grab him and beat the shit out of him until he realizes he must change. But today...i just pray to a God who, hopefully, loves.

how i know jim...

i have been with jim throughout his 55 years of what he attempts to call "living." if you knew what jim and i know about jim, you would probably say a life which started off sad and appears to be ending bad. here are some of the highlights of jim's life...

1953...born
1955...dad died on a '36 harley knucklehead. ironically, he was hit by a drunk drivier
1960...mom suffered 1st nervous breakdown. jim shipped to live with an aunt and uncle
1663...mom suffered 2nd nervous breakdown. jim shipped to live with other aunt and uncle
1968...moved to california. jim found out that he could take his anger out on others on the football field
1971...first time to drink alcohol. i think i remember him saying, "where have you been all my life." graduated from high school. smoked first joint. smoked dope daily for the next 25 years
1975...got married
1976...graduated from college and went to work as high school teacher and coach. coaching is what he loved more than life itself. had to quit to allow wife to pursue her career.
1986...move to texas to follow wife's career. quit smoking dope on daily basis. switched to alcohol
1998...left principalship to work at church. started drinkinig for effect daily
2003...fired from church for having phone sex with his secretary. took on the name "drunk"
2004...returned to education as elementary counselor
present... trying to kill himself and loose everything through the systematic use of alcohol

not sure why i have decided to save jim. seems like a nice guy but when i look closer i see an angry, self-indulging, insecure, lonely man. So why save him? i suppose it is because he is a human being and all human beings are worth saving...i suppose.