i have checked in with jim over the last months but he would not let me in on his life. a few days ago he remembered this blog and contacted me. his life is still a wreck. he is alone though around others in a halfway house in delray beach. since he last visited this blog there have been more treatment centers, talks with therapist, and painful days and nights. i don't know how to show him my compassion. i put therapist, friends and family in his life but he is terrified to explore his fears...we both know they are the source of his pain. so, he is back and i am on a eternal mission to save jim.

what have i become

in my last blog i spoke of jim listening to johnny cash sing hurt. these are the lyrics jim attached to...

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

"i would keep myself...i would find a way." one day i will celebrate jim saying those words. if he doesn't kill himself first. i will say the alcohol has slowed down and the he wakes up not wishing he could just stay in bed. more accurately, there are some mornings he wakes and does not just want to stay in bed. he and his wife exchanged valentine gifts. he bought a card that spoke of a love that was filled with caring, trust, and time spent together. jim wrote, "there were moments in our marriage when i thought we were moving towards this kind of relationship. i am sorry for both of us that never happened. on our last valentines day together i do want you to know you are the love of my life." they held each other and wept. jim thought, "everyone i know goes away in the end."

i found jim slumping over a youtube selection. he had wondered there listening to videos from his past...he views them as the good years...these days they are more vague but he clings to the good times of the past when he was okay in his own skin before life, marriage, and self whittled away at his fragile self. thought you might learn something about jim listening to his focus that evening...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go&feature=related

jim's wife filed for divorce on feb. 2. jim will be divorced 10 days after his birthday. he is trying to decide if he wants to celebrate his birthday with his family. can you celebrate a birthday with a family? we'll see. he moved into an apartment two weeks ago and usually comes home and sits and drinks...mostly drinks. he likes the place. decorated like he wanted which is more important than he thought. he often thinks about being sober again but right now stayng numb is as important...at least, that is what he told me. he told me emotional pain is so much worse than physical pain...that explains "cutting." going to work is hard for jim but not as hard as waking up and breathing. i get a hint he is doing better and, yes, i know that isn't saying much but progress is a jim has. progress is hope. he wants to live...most of the time and that is growing. time is hopes friend and depressions allie. he hates time but needs time.

Surviving Abandonment Again

you can't really blame jim for his current disposition. his wife is filing for divorce this friday. it didn't help that she lied about why she was going to see an attorney. he also realized that the son he trusted has actually been deceiving him about how he feels. his wife has difficulty telling the truth when the truth hurts. if it easier to lie she will and regardless of how negative the consequences are she feels no remorse.... problem...she does it again, and again, with no remorse. his son is a different story. jim always thought his only son was truthful. traveling with his son a few days back his son ask jim about his feelings on things. jim told him that, even though he deserved it, he hated that his entire identity (in terms of his family) was "has he had anything to drink?" that was all that matters. his son said he agreed that the family did that but he didn't. he told jim that he did not judge him. yes, the worse possible thing happened... jim believed him. based on an email jim intercepted between the wife and son, he found out that his son did judge him and was encouraging jim's wife to leave him. to say the least jim was destroyed.

you can catch and earlier post and easily see why jim is haunted with abandonment. the recent events took jim over the edge. he had three days of sobriety but i don't think he can stay sober knowing this. not sure what to do...

terrified of xmas

sometimes I visit jim's head to see life through his eyes, often
bloodshot and swollen.  jim hates his alcoholic eyes.  he used to
wear stupid round glasses to cover the dark circles but then he
felt more anxious over the glasses and bought more contemporary
glasses then he felt anxious about people noticing his eyes.  he is
sick.  xmas eve with wife, son, daughter, daughter-in-law, and grand
daughter.  strange the way jim sees the world.  most people see
themselves as part of the world especially with family at xmas.  not
jim... while pretending to be normal in his mind he is standing back
terrified.  totally alienated, separated, alone, excluded, judged, guilty,
exposed, that is, fucking terrified.  like a fish in a bowl hoping he can
hide but there are to many eyes, to many angles for people to see.
inside he is screaming "make this go away," while smiling on the
outside.  much of his exhaustion is from the extreme effort it
takes to put up this fake existence and plan to not be exposed.  i would
like to show him how normal people see and enjoy the world.  one day
maybe.

what does a shrink know?

jim not doing well. has increased drinking to a dangerous level. i sat in on his last visit with his shrink. i think she is getting somewhere with jim. she senses the jim can only give and for him to take brings on guilt and worry based on shame and lack of self worth. he said in the session today, "i can be selfish." she ask jim to describe times he is selfish. im said, "when i buy things for himself and when i works out at the gym." i think jim agreed but in his head he was bothered that if she was right he would have to start asking for more and taking care of himself and that is terrifying to jim.