terrified of xmas

sometimes I visit jim's head to see life through his eyes, often
bloodshot and swollen.  jim hates his alcoholic eyes.  he used to
wear stupid round glasses to cover the dark circles but then he
felt more anxious over the glasses and bought more contemporary
glasses then he felt anxious about people noticing his eyes.  he is
sick.  xmas eve with wife, son, daughter, daughter-in-law, and grand
daughter.  strange the way jim sees the world.  most people see
themselves as part of the world especially with family at xmas.  not
jim... while pretending to be normal in his mind he is standing back
terrified.  totally alienated, separated, alone, excluded, judged, guilty,
exposed, that is, fucking terrified.  like a fish in a bowl hoping he can
hide but there are to many eyes, to many angles for people to see.
inside he is screaming "make this go away," while smiling on the
outside.  much of his exhaustion is from the extreme effort it
takes to put up this fake existence and plan to not be exposed.  i would
like to show him how normal people see and enjoy the world.  one day
maybe.

what does a shrink know?

jim not doing well. has increased drinking to a dangerous level. i sat in on his last visit with his shrink. i think she is getting somewhere with jim. she senses the jim can only give and for him to take brings on guilt and worry based on shame and lack of self worth. he said in the session today, "i can be selfish." she ask jim to describe times he is selfish. im said, "when i buy things for himself and when i works out at the gym." i think jim agreed but in his head he was bothered that if she was right he would have to start asking for more and taking care of himself and that is terrifying to jim.